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No. I ve found what I was looking for.
The woman s confused expression gave way to apprehension.
You know him?
You could say that.
The woman took a step back, her face tight with fear. You re not
her, are you? The girl whose boyfriend attacked him?
No. I m another one.
I see. Is this the first time you ve seen him?
Yes. Sarah held her eyes firmly and saw the woman s expression
slowly cloud with sadness.
Scottie groaned again and tried to move his fingers. The woman
stepped up and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. I have a
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pretty good idea what you re looking for.
I found it, Sarah said. He s in there.
Yes, yes he is. But he s not the same. He s not the man he once
was. She bent down next to him and took his hand. I ve been taking
care of him since the& attack. I knew him before that, though. I m his
cousin Ilene.
She took in an audible breath. I always knew he wasn t the best
man he could be, but I had a hard time believing some of the things
people said he d done.
Sarah felt a flicker of anger at her words. What he did to me, I
remember it like it was yesterday. And it haunts me, every single day.
I believe you, Ilene responded calmly. You aren t the first one
who s come looking for him, either. There s been others. They came
right after the attack. Guess they must ve read about it or something.
Oh God. Sarah felt a wave of cold dizziness. She reached out
and braced herself against the wall of the porch. Had there been others
because she hadn t told? It hadn t been long after her eighteenth birthday
that Scottie was attacked. She breathed a little easier. If she hadn t been
the last, there couldn t have been many others. There wasn t time.
They come looking for him, Ilene continued. I think it made
them feel better to see him like this.
I can imagine.
Ilene watched her guardedly. You seem to want something
more.
Don t worry, Sarah said dryly. I m not here to hurt you.
Like I said before, he s not the same. He s in there, but what s left
is a tortured soul. A fragile man who cries out in the middle of night,
scared to death of the darkness.
I know the feeling, Sarah responded, her voice still cold.
Then I hope you know that the peace you seek is something he
will never find. He knows who he was, he remembers, he relives. He
cries, he feels, he fears.
Sarah straightened, watching Ilene stroke his undeserving hand.
He can t hurt anybody anymore. He only hurts himself now, with
his mind.
Sarah allowed herself a long look at his gaunt face. A tear pooled
and fell, traveling down the lines of his skin. He groaned again and
fixed his eyes on her.
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He knows who I am, she said.
Yes. Ilene paused, studying Sarah. Believe me when I tell you
that he s paying for his sins. In this life and eventually, beyond.
I can see that.
For several seconds they stared at one another and Sarah wondered
what his cousin would do if she reached out both hands and strangled
him. Would she stop her? Sarah clenched her jaw. She couldn t summon
the long-held vengeance and desire to do it. It would take a ruthless
detachment that she didn t have. She squeezed her fingers into her
palms and looked away.
A hand fleetingly touched her arm and Ilene said, I hope you find
your peace. She kicked up the brakes and rolled the wheelchair slowly
backward.
Sarah stared at Scottie s tortured face until it disappeared with his
crippled body behind the door. I do too, she whispered. I do too.
v
Sarah rinsed her face with cool water and returned to the sofa. She
felt weak, drained, beaten. She eased back down and eyed the envelope.
Was it what she wanted? For years, she had wanted nothing more than
to join the FBI and move far away, leaving her past far behind. But now
she wasn t so sure. After seeing Scottie, after looking into his eyes
into his soul and seeing the suffering and fear, she felt strangely
numb. Any anger and desire to take her own revenge had vanished, its
hindering weight left on that front porch with the man trapped in his
waking nightmare.
So what would she be running from now? She thought of Chandler.
A part of her wanted to run from the woman, to hide her true self. But
as exposed as Chandler made her feel, she also made her feel alive and
willing to do anything to feel that way with her again. Sarah pondered
her options, truly confused. Something had changed, and with it, so
had her choices. Chandler Brogan was no longer a person she knew
she would have to let go of. With the darkness and plague of Scottie
vanishing from her chest, maybe there was room for love, room for
Chandler. Maybe she could fill that empty space with light and warmth.
Maybe she could be safe with another person at last.
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Her eyes felt heavy and she allowed them to close, finally accepting
all that she was feeling. Sleep seeped in, warm and soothing, promising
the peace she longed for.
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WILD ABANDON
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
fierce wind beat steadily against Chan s tight chest, mirroring
Athe hurt she felt deep inside. She relaxed a little as the roaring
of her Harley soothed her inner turmoil. With a flick of her wrist, the
machine sped up and she rode on, once again as one with the motorcycle,
as one with the road. The sun was setting behind her, warming her
back as she steered on toward her destination. The speed fed her need,
pushing all that bothered her to the back of her mind. She had gone too
long without it, and now her addiction demanded control once again.
She had been foolish to think that she could go without pushing the
limits, that sex could take its place.
No, not just sex. But Sarah. She laughed aloud at the thought.
Sarah was the main reason she was riding tonight. Sarah was enough
to make her forget about speeding through the night, if only she could
have her. It was the aching that was getting to her. The goddamned
craving. And jealousy. Three things she had never experienced before.
The sex must ve truly been amazing to drive her so crazy. But that was
all it was, right? Sex. So why was she so driven to push Sarah from her
mind by pushing the limit?
Because with Sarah, the sex had been more. The realization
smacked her hard in the face, merging with the wind. She thought about
the statement and no matter which way she examined it, she knew it
was true, whether she wanted it to be or not. The intimacy she had felt
wasn t going away, it wasn t something she could just forget about.
Sarah wasn t just another one-night stand. Chan had feelings for her,
feelings that unsettled her. She cared about Sarah.
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Chan remembered her face, the flush of desire on her cheeks, the
depth in her eyes. She remembered the way Sarah trembled beneath her
fingers. So strong in body but so fragile inside.
With the thoughts still eating at her, she slowed her bike and pulled
into Hank s driveway. If there was one person who would understand
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